An Epiphany In an Elevator

Illinois State Bar Association's FAMILY LAW Newsletter

ANOTHER VIEW

January, 2001

Volume 44, Number 2

by David Royko, Psy.D.

Last week, I learned that elevators can be great little rooms for big

epiphanies, or at least re-epiphanies. This shouldn't surprise me since

I've come to appreciate those brief descents for the opportunities they

provide for feedback and quality control.

As the Director of Marriage & Family Counseling Service (MFCS), the

Office of the Chief Judge's department that provides, among other

things, mediation for custody and visitation disputes filed in Domestic

Relations, I am the person who gets the occasional call of complaint

from a client who is displeased with how their mediation proceeded, or

how their attorney is handling the case, or how that idiot they are

divorcing is evil, or how nobody has ever really had a chance to hear

their side of the story, or all of the above rolled into one wrenching,

woeful tale.

But the elevator eavesdropping in which I can't help but engage

frequently provides a candid take on how a client's MFCS experience

felt to them. Sometimes I share these overheard comments and

impressions with our staff. Funny how people will say some things--

positive or negative--in a crowded elevator that they might not express

directly to the people they are talking about. At least they give me a

good excuse for not taking the stairs.

But last week, a young woman expressed something that she was willing

to say directly to the person at issue--me.

While we were waiting for the elevator to take us down, she held the

hand of her 4-year-old son. I said hi to the boy, and inquired as to

the identities of the characters in his hand, even though I was already

well-acquainted with both Big Bird and Cookie Monster. As he told me

that they were his favorite Sesame Street "people," the elevator

arrived. As we stepped in, his mother asked if I was a mediator, to

which I answered "yes."

"I thought I recognized you, especially your voice," she said. "I think

I might have been one of your clients." Not recognizing her, I asked

when that was.

"When I was 13."

In the remaining moments of the elevator ride and a few more on the

first floor, she explained that her parents had gone through a divorce.

She didn't realize it at the time, but her parents had been gearing up

for a custody fight, and were ordered to go through mediation in our

department. I was their mediator, and as part of our mediation process,

I had interviewed her, 12 years ago. She was now 25, going through a

divorce herself, and had just completed mediation.

"We reached a full agreement, just like my parents did, thank God," she

said through a sigh of relief. Her boy tugged on her hand, bored and

eager to get outside and to some place more interesting than the lobby

of 69 West Washington.

But before she let him lead her off, she thanked me, and got a bit

teary, probably brought on by what she was going through as a divorcing

parent stirred together with what she went through herself as a child.

Or maybe for what she did not have to go through as a child.

She explained that, when she met with me as a kid on the cusp of

adolescence, she didn't even know her parents were arguing about

custody. Her mother only informed her of that part of the tale when she

herself filed for divorce earlier this year. Her mother warned her not

to let things drag on, to work through the problems quickly, to settle

things before they got out of hand and hurt the child, and to take full

advantage of mediation. "Without mediation," her mother said, "who

knows what would have happened, to all of us."

The woman finished by telling me that, after their divorce, her parents

did a great job of "keeping things cool," and that was her goal as

well.

A depressing story? Not to me. Yes, it does represent the all-to-common

divorce cycle of history repeating itself, but that is something that I

have seen thousands of times in the years I have done this kind of

work. I long ago accepted, despite the admonishments, if not scolding,

of researchers like Judith Wallerstein, that divorce is, was, and

always will be a reality for many families, and cycles will repeat.

But my re-epiphany--re, because it was one that I first had early on as

a mediator--was just how important it is to keep conflict away from

kids, and also that, even if divorce rates remain high, maybe the

message of alternative dispute resolution is getting through.

Here was a woman whose mother prepped her for mediation by stressing

how different life might have been had the family slogged through

litigation to settle what they themselves had the power to settle

themselves. Divorce and the aftermath, like marriage itself, can be for

better or for worse: mediation is usually the best bet for "better,"

while litigation is often the recipe for "worse."

Having worked for 13 years with families going through what is usually

the most stressful period of their lives, I am still reminded of the

importance of mediation on a daily basis when I see parents and

children as they enter our offices, their faces tense, sad or angry.

What has been heartening is how many more attorneys are interested in

mediation now as opposed to when I entered this field. I am frequently

contacted by lawyers who are seeking advice on where they can receive

high quality training in mediation. Some of these lawyers are not even

planning on being mediators themselves, but wish simply to add

mediation skills to their toolbox for the legal work they perform for

their clients.

One detail that the woman in the elevator mentioned to me was that her

attorney had "prepped her well" for mediation, encouraging her to enter

into the process seriously and to keep in mind what is at stake--her

child's well being. "He sounded just like my parents," she said to me.

You may be tempted to insert your own lawyer-joke punchline here. Me? I

just smiled, thankful for solid advice from good parents, and good

attorneys.

---

Co-editor's note:

David Royko is a licensed clinical psychologist, author of the book,

"Voices of Children of Divorce " (St. Martin's Press), and has been a

mediator with the Circuit Court of Cook County's Marriage & Family

Counseling Service since 1988, and Director since 1993.

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