She explained that, when she met with me as a kid on the cusp of adolescence, she didn't even know her parents were arguing about custody. Her mother only informed her of that part of the tale when she herself filed for divorce earlier this year. Her mother warned her not to let things drag on, to work through the problems quickly, to settle things before they got out of hand and hurt the child, and to take full advantage of mediation. "Without mediation," her mother said, "who knows what would have happened, to all of us."

The woman finished by telling me that, after their divorce, her parents did a great job of "keeping things cool," and that was her goal as well.

A depressing story? Not to me. Yes, it does represent the all-to-common divorce cycle of history repeating itself, but that is something that I have seen thousands of times in the years I have done this kind of work. I long ago accepted, despite the admonishments, if not scolding, of researchers like Judith Wallerstein, that divorce is, was, and always will be a reality for many families, and cycles will repeat.

But my re-epiphany--re, because it was one that I first had early on as a mediator--was just how important it is to keep conflict away from kids, and also that, even if divorce rates remain high, maybe the message of alternative dispute resolution is getting through.

Here was a woman whose mother prepped her for mediation by stressing how different life might have been had the family slogged through litigation to settle what they themselves had the power to settle

themselves. Divorce and the aftermath, like marriage itself, can be for better or for worse: mediation is usually the best bet for "better," while litigation is often the recipe for "worse."

Having worked for 13 years with families going through what is usually the most stressful period of their lives, I am still reminded of the importance of mediation on a daily basis when I see parents and

children as they enter our offices, their faces tense, sad or angry. What has been heartening is how many more attorneys are interested in mediation now as opposed to when I entered this field. I am frequently contacted by lawyers who are seeking advice on where they can receive high quality training in mediation. Some of these lawyers are not even planning on being mediators themselves, but wish simply to add mediation skills to their toolbox for the legal work they perform for their clients.

One detail that the woman in the elevator mentioned to me was that her attorney had "prepped her well" for mediation, encouraging her to enter into the process seriously and to keep in mind what is at stake--her child's well being. "He sounded just like my parents," she said to me. You may be tempted to insert your own lawyer-joke punchline here. Me? I just smiled, thankful for solid advice from good parents, and good attorneys.

​

Co-editor's note:
David Royko is a licensed clinical psychologist, author of the book, "Voices of Children of Divorce " (St. Martin's Press), and has been a mediator with the Circuit Court of Cook County's Marriage & Family Counseling Service since 1988, and Director since 1993.